apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
