508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
