if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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