She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
