Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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