I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
