I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
