I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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