omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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