the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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