I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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