I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
