You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
