I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
