my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
