Old men and throwing up are my life now.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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