still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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