I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
