yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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