shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
