I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
