First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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