i just wanna soil my oats bro
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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