I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
