im six kinds of drunk right now
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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