It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
