Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
