were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
