True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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