I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
