wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
