I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
