...so i touched it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
