So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
