the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
