Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
