Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
