...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i love accidental penises.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
