it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
