peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
