I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
