The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
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