A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
