either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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