I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
