I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
