By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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