I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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