I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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