FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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