I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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