she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
two words...techno handjob
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
