My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
