I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
