I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
two words: eviction party
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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