Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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