is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
