An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
