Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize