It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
