Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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