life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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