the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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